A long road. Part 1 | pauld1968's Blog

Be warned, these are probably going to be some of the most boring and uninteresting posts you've ever read. 
I am afraid that being boring and uninteresting might just be at the root of my current problems.  I would love some feed back but have seen where people occasionally come onto a story or blog and post non-serious remarks. I like a good laugh and feel I have a reasonable sense of humor but these are serious matters for me and Id appreciate only serious replies. 

I was an average kid.  Not the smartest or the dumbest.  I came from an average family.  Not perfect but solid and dependable.  Mom and Dad did their best and it was good by my standards.  I was an average teen.   I never got in any serious trouble.  I had a beer or joint now and then but never got into any hard stuff and nothing became a habit.  I had then and still have average looks, girls weren't lining up for me but a few went out with me. I even ended up with a cheerleader going with me to prom.  Not bad.  She ended up marrying one of the super jocks but for one evening I was a star!

I headed off to business school.  My dad owned his own business and I wanted to do the same.  I met my wife there.  She was and still is an attractive  woman.  Neither of us were ever approached as model material but we're okay.  We were friends before we took it to the next level.  We more or less eased our way into being a couple. We were happily dating for quite a while.  I asked her to marry me a few years later.  She was established in her field and I in mine. 

She said yes and we planned a very simple wedding.  We married and skipped the honeymoon and took the money combined with savings and wedding gifts and put a down payment on our home.  Two years later we had our son.  Sounds good right?  It is. In so many ways it is damn good.  I am grateful for my wife, son,  job,  home and the life I am lucky enough to have.  But ...   I just turned 45 this past week and have no idea of what is left to look forward to.  I am not excited about anything.  I feel lackluster and dull.  Who am I kidding-- I AM lackluster and dull. 

My wife and I aren't ready for the sexless marriage group.  Every Sunday, we shower and meet in the bedroom. We  take just about 45 min. and have the very same sex we've been having for the last 12 years.  We have discussed it.  I know for a fact that I bore her too.  We have tried a few new things but it always ends up feeling awkward and ...  not quite right. So we drop it and go back to what we're use to. 

I love my wife. She is the mother of my son and a good woman.  This is not me holding any sort of pity party.  This isn't her fault it isn't just mine we share this and we both admit to it but just can't seem to find a way out of it. We are a habit now,  a familiar routine more then a passionate couple in love....but  I have to ask myself...were we ever that passionate couple?

These are my thoughts for today... 

I only use  this site from work.  I want to be open and candid and I don't want my wife stumbling on something and misunderstanding it.  I feel guilty for doing it this way but I do feel I need to vent it out.  I will only be online at select times during the day and never on the weekend.  EP will stay at my work and never go home with me.  Thanks ahead of time for anyone who reads this.  I almost put myself to sleep rereading what I wrote.

I am not looking for ladies to message me with offers. I want to improve what I have and not screw it all up with some fling on the computer or meeting a stranger somewhere.  I need thoughts on how to fix what isn't even broken.  How do you cure yourself of being boring? 

Again, please be kind.

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (7 comments)
1-7 of 7 Comments   

Posted on 09:53AM on Feb 11th, 2013
I love your warning......I might just totally borrow that.

I also LOVE that you love your wife and just want to find a way to make things better... That is sooooo awesome...

I think it's fine to be average...I have felt average my whole life!! There are more of us average folks around then above or below average peeps!!

As far as perking up the routine of married life....A LOY of folks go thru this...You guys are NOT alone!! I talk to all sorts of folks all the time in here and in real time about what can be used to perk up a lull in married fun!!

Maybe try really relaxing and finding what makes you both just crack right up laughing. You both sound pretty serious. I'm an expert on making a serious person crack up. I have never met anyone as serious as hubs but by doing really dumb, off the wall and shocking things to him..I found his inner funny and he's a hoot now. He's still on the serious side but a ton funnier then when we first met. He was an absolute grump when I first went to work for him...Now he is much cheerier at work..

I think you guys might be trying to jump into the different sexy things a little too fast and then because you're not laughing at the awkward times you don't try it again. Lesson #1...Learn to laugh at everything.... Try just watching some goofy TV or something on the computer to see what you both see as really funny.....what jokes you both like. Then some evening have a glass of wine and just concentrate on making each other laugh.....Once you're having fun then you can start adding in sexy things little by little... Good luck with this...

Oh and please let me know when you write blogs I found this by accident. I don't get any notifications and blogs don't show up in feeds for me same with confessions so just say blog on your status or my wb.... I am almost always the last person to find buddies blogs and confessions.... :(
Posted on 04:46PM on Feb 11th, 2013
Sierra, I should have known the bubbly dancer would appear! You may not borrow my warning. I have yet to read one post of yours that could be considered boring.
I suppose average is fine. I think its the boring part that needs an adjustment.
You raise a good point with rediscovering what we both find funny. We seemed to change when our son arrived. He was a very light sleeper and our house remained silent like a tomb for the first 2 years of his life in those very brief moments when he finally fell asleep. I think we may have misplaced our sense of humor then.
Your also spot on with jumping into new sexual experiments. Good advice kiddo thanks.

weakestchimp, I honestly have no idea what you meant with that remark. Reading it was a challenge. If what I think it meant is accurate all I can say is how could you possibly come to those conclusions by reading a few paragraphs? Is your life so pleasant and well lived that you can even offer advice to another?

I'm relieved to see that L4 was/is a serious type. You seem to manage with his disposition admirably well!
Posted on 01:44AM on Feb 12th, 2013
I too think it is very admirable that you are searching out new methods to enhance what you have instead of settling for a distraction. I see a bit of complacency here, all too common for couples who have spent years together.
My own dear husband and I phased through this a few years ago and sitting down, many times and discussing how we felt proved very effective in moving forward.
I agree with Sierra's recommendation to rediscover what you both enjoy but perhaps it is also time for you to sit down and decide on some future goals to pursue as a couple. Planning a trip you would like to take together or even some independent goal setting could be very constructive. You reconnecting with your interests in martial arts and your wife seeking out a long held interest of her own could offer some much needed enlivening to both of your perspectives. You can then spend time together discussing the excitement you feel. Quite often a thrill in one area of life can lead to additional thrills elsewhere. New pursuits may produce an inspired domino effect!
Try to avoid thinking of yourself in terms of being boring. Any sort of negative, 'self talk' can be very damaging to ones self esteem. Berating yourself never produces a benefit.
Look to the future with hope my friend.
Posted on 03:51AM on Feb 12th, 2013
I think kids can take folks attentions away from each other especially newborns who don't sleep so good. Hubs and I have never faced this issue and never will but we have tons of friends and family who have.

Now that your son is older it's time for you and your wife to get back to having some real grown up fun with each other.

I love Jess's idea about setting some goals. Hubs and I do that every new year instead of making resolutions. It is fun and it gives us a lot to talk about too...Plus we get really excited for each other when we do well...

I have always done well with serious folks. I can be a total nut and funny but I can settle into a serious talk anytime too...
Posted on 07:18AM on Feb 12th, 2013
Thanks for the heads up on the difficulty with blogs sie. I am going to make a group and move my thoughts into a story form. Replying to you thoughtful gals is important to me and having to double up when doing that is disruptive. I'll leave this here. I don't want to lose your great advice but plan to re-post the blog entry as a story. I am taking this all in and do plan to try for an evening of finding some common ground for laughter and some fun.

Jess, good idea with setting new goals. I think she and I both need a few of them.

Thank you both and also sie's husband L4 and Laff's for the letters in private messages. This is helping me more then I can say.
Posted on 05:56AM on Feb 14th, 2013
Thanks for laying it out there, PaulD1968. I too was born in 1968 and in my 45th year I feel stuck sometimes, marriage-wise. You have kept sex once a week. I haven't had sex with my wife since 2010. We sleep in the same bed, and we are civil, "like excellent room mates", so the movie says. When our child was born, the sex life was over. The only time we made love was trying for our 2nd child, otherwise, she was not interested and I became uninterested.

Today is Valentine's day, and I am not planning anything special beyond what I would normally do. I am not resentful, she does not seem to be, but we never talk about the death of our sex life. Her parents modeled a separate bedroom life, perhaps it is why she is comfortable with it.

Anyways, it is your blog, so I don't feel right going over my stuff. I encourage you to keep communications open. My wife does not communicate well, and communication is more important to me than simply sex. So please don't let that part of your life die.
Posted on 06:53AM on Feb 15th, 2013
rick, Please feel free to say whatever you want. I am open to talking about what others are facing to. I am sorry that things have fallen off in the bedroom for you. That has to be hard to cope with. I am seriously rethinking my own lack of communicating skills with my wife. Thanks to the kind ladies and gentleman who have befriended me and offered good advice. I am taking a harder look at what part I have played and what I am finding is pretty bad. I have a lot of work to do on myself at this point and I am trying to bring my wife into my realizations. I am learning just how accurate the saying, "it takes two" is.

If you ever want to talk, drop me a line.
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